Hormones are to women what water is to plants.
–Billboard advertising Happy Hormone Cottage
If Hormones are to women
what water is to plants,
then happy is to hormone
what cottage is to cheese,
and a woman needs a fish
like a man needs a bicycle.
The garden at the Happy Hormone Cottage,
started out with analogies in tidy
rows, seedlings ordered from
the Educational Testing Service.
Sometimes a woman would collect a few leaves
to liven up a boring literal salad,
or arrange the blooms to make a bold centerpiece.
But the cottagers couldn’t resist
feeding them leftover hormones,
and (hormones being to plants what water is
to humans) they grew and grew.
Soon they were crawling up the walls of the cottage, so
you had to fight through them to get out the door;
then they invaded roadside ditches,
crowding out the merely botanical weeds
and taking over the billboard that used to show
acres of oily orange supermodel skin.
In the end, analogies ate away the borders
between everything and everything else. People
wandered the malls, staring at shelf upon shelf
of similar isosceles triangles
in Regular, Economy, and New Fun size.